Confessions of Eastern Kingdom Boys in Pandaria
by Flaire Murasawa
Summary: Li Li teaches Anduin and Wrathion that when in Pandaria, do as the Pandaren do, and gets a few laughs while she's at it; aka the birth of the Pandaren Challenge menu. no pairings.


Warnings: old-school Chinese behavior, including but not limited to: calling people racist slurs in our native language, physically disciplining children, laughing at non-Asian people at a Chinese meal. This is not meant to represent the attitudes of all Chinese.

Dedicated to all the Chinese players who found out the hard way that we are a minority on English-language servers.

Inspired by breathing2004's piece on Deviantart "let's drink no war"

This story occurs before the events in "Confessions of a Dragon Prince," and before New Year's in "Confessions of a Stormwind Prince." In other words, Anduin and Wrathion are not together yet.

Disclaimer: I do not own Warcraft or any of its affiliated products. They are owned by Blizzard. I am making no profit from this venture.

* * *

One of the things that Wrathion and Anduin totally, irrevocably, absolutely agreed on was that they loved Pandaria. The landscapes, the lifestyle, the literature, the food, they both couldn't get enough of it.

As such, they were abhorred when Li Li Stormstout inadvertently revealed they weren't getting the full Pandaren experience.

Chen Stormstout and his niece were stopped at the Tavern in the Mists, on their way to Binan Village. Li Li immediately took to Anduin and—goodness knows why—Wrathion, and was heckling them during a game of Jihui when Chen's voice wafted from downstairs, "Li Li! Dessert!"

"Dessert! You two should join us," she implored.

"We're in the middle of a game-"

"You're not going to win anyway. Come on, there's plenty!" She took off.

Anduin shrugged and followed. Wrathion shot the board one last glare before joining them.

Tong had added two place settings to the table at the girl's behest. Chen stood to greet them.

"Prince Anduin of the Alliance. Prince Wrathion of the Black Dragonflight. It is an honor to share my table with you."

"The honor is ours," Anduin replied, and the three exchanged bows.

Chen ladled soup from the serving bowl. Anduin had been expecting peach pie or rice pudding. Were they attending a whole meal, instead of just dessert?

"Yes!" Li Li cheered under her breath when Chen filled her bowl, and she enthusiastically dug in.

The soup wasn't any he'd seen before, either. It was a tan broth, with red fruits and something unidentifiable floating around in it. Wrathion was studying his bowl with as much doubt as Anduin felt.

"Ahhh! Seconds!" Li Li announced, grabbing the ladle. "You haven't touched yours. Soup too hot?"

"What is this?" Wrathion asked bluntly, using his spoon to hold a white, ribbed…thing…aloft.

"That's-" Li Li said a word in Pandaren, "It's good. Crunchy."

Wrathion peered at it. "Yes, but what is it? Is it a fish? A vegetable?"

Anduin would have reprimanded Wrathion for his manners, if he wasn't also at a complete loss as to what they were eating.

"It is a fungus," Chen rumbled. "This is a common dessert dish among my people."

"I've spent a lot of time in Pandaria. Why is it that I haven't had this before?" For once, Anduin was going to let the dragon keep talking, considering he couldn't phrase it much better.

Li Li laughed. "Oh, that's because you've been eating-" another Pandaren word "-food!"

"Li Li!" Chen flicked her on the back of the head.

"'Foreigner!' I meant 'foreigner!'" she yelped, rubbing the sore spot.

"Excuse me, but what is going on?" Wrathion asked.

"Li Li, apologize to our guests."

"I apologize for my rudeness, and humbly ask your forgiveness," Li Li mumbled.

There was something they weren't getting.

It wasn't until they returned to Anduin's room that the human asked, "What was your uncle so upset about?"

"He didn't like that I called you-" that word again. "I don't know why; everyone does it. I guess because you two are special," she grumbled.

"What does that mean? 'Foreigner'?"

"Not exactly. It's a slang term." She cocked her head. "The direct translation is 'one-tone.'"

"'One-tone'?" Anduin repeated. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Wrathion mouth the phrase along with him.

"Yeah, because all of you foreigners come in single colors. You're not spotted or striped, like normal people."

"Oh." Awkward. "Thanks for telling me."

"No sweat." Li Li kicked her legs back and forth under her seat. "So, Tong's been feeding you foreigner food?"

"I'll have you know, I've only eaten Pandaren food since I arrived here," Wrathion proudly declared.

"Oh, yeah? Name one."

"Wildfowl roast."

"Foreigner food."

"Viseclaw soup."

"Foreigner food."

"Charbroiled tiger steak."

"Foreigner food."

"Shrimp dumplings?" Anduin interjected.

Li Li thought for second, then shook her head. "Foreigner food. I wouldn't eat any of that at home, except the shrimp dumplings, but those are considered 'foreigner-friendly.'"

"This is outrageous," Wrathion fumed. "What do you actually consider Pandaren food?"

"Uncle Chen's going drinking with friends tonight." Li Li winked. "Invite me to stay with you for dinner, and I'll show you."

* * *

"Nothing?" Wrathion skeptically crossed his arms.

"Just sit and observe," Li Li said, slyly.

They came down for dinner late, during the rush. She nabbed a table in the center of the tavern, chose a tea, and told Tong they would order later. Anduin's gaze darted around to the other tables. One family was eating…fried skin sandwiches? A lone Pandaren at another table was digging into some sort of minced mixture with rice. True to Li Li's word, he hardly saw anything he recognized.

Wrathion reached same conclusion. "I can't believe it. Are you telling me that Tong has been withholding his best dishes?"

"He's just being nice by giving you what you can handle. Foreigners tend to freak out at real Pandaren food. Let me take care of this," Li Li said.

When Tong brought the place settings, she rattled off a list in Pandaren. Instead of listening stoically as he was wont, Tong raised his eyebrows and looked at the other two for confirmation. Wrathion nodded, and the fixer left.

Anduin was beginning to get a little unnerved. "Li Li, what did you get us?"

"Don't worry, I didn't get anything crazy, just normal stuff. I already found your first problem." Li Li held up a pair of chopsticks.

Wrathion and Anduin looked down at their forks.

To Anduin's relief, their dinner items were easily identifiable. Unfortunately, very little of it had made it onto Wrathion and Anduin's plates.

"You picked slippery things on purpose," Wrathion accused as yet another flat noodle escaped his chopsticks.

Anduin set his jaw and was carefully taking one string bean at a time.

Li Li sniggered. "You're the one who wanted to eat the Pandaren way. Well, the best portion's all mine."

To Anduin's horror, Li Li began picking apart the fish's head.

"You eat that?" he blurted out.

"Yeah, I don't know how come you foreigners always leave it behind," she said. She popped a chunk of fish cheek into her mouth and went for an eyeball.

* * *

"Li Li!"

"Snkgh…ah?"

Anduin was roused by the sound of Li Li uttering a few choice phrases in Pandaren before stomping out the door. The three had fallen asleep around the Jihui board in Anduin's room, the boys sitting up against the bed, and Li Li face-down on the floor. The girl taught by example,and had spent the night trouncing them in a one-on-two game.

The blonde nudged his friend. "Wrathion. Wrathion, get up."

Wrathion tilted slowly sideways and fell over.

Anduin flinched. He hadn't meant to push him that hard. When he wasn't bitten or immolated, Anduin realized that Wrathion was still asleep.

"Wrathion!" he nudged him again. "Wake up, I think Li Li's in trouble."

By the Light, that dragon slept like a rock. Thankfully, he was an actual living, breathing creature, so Anduin pinched Wrathion's nose between his thumb and forefinger. It took only seconds for Wrathion to start fidgeting, and without warning, he shifted into dragon form. Anduin's fingers barely escaped Wrathion's snapping jaws.

"Are you trying to kill me?!"

"You were sleeping like the dead, so it was worth a shot!"

A third voice came from outside. "Awwww, but Uncle Chen!"

Anduin stood up. "That was Li Li. Come on."

Wrathion hitched a ride on Anduin's shoulder, and they found the Stormstouts in the hallway.

"It wasn't her fault!" Anduin insisted. "I asked her to help us with Jihui, because Wrathion and I aren't very good at it, and we lost track of time. She's been very kind to us."

In truth, she had laughed at them nonstop, and then made them pay for last night's meal.

Chen evaluated the pair, and came to a decision. "I thank you for corroborating my niece's tale. Li Li, you are still grounded. Go and get changed."

"Yes, Uncle Chen." Li Li sulked and retreated to her room.

"Li Li informed me of her endeavors to make you more acquainted with the Pandaren lifestyle," Chen told him, once she was out of earshot. "I thank you for humoring her, for I know she can be a handful, and is inconsiderate with her tricks. Now, you can help me play a trick on her. It would please me greatly if you would join us for breakfast."

"The pleasure is mine," Anduin replied automatically.

Chen nodded in acknowledgement, and closed his door.

"What do you think of that, Wrathion?" Anduin asked the dragon on his shoulder.

He got a snore in response.

* * *

Breakfast time saw them cleaned, changed, and in Wrathion's case, appropriately shape-shifted.

"I am so glad you could join us!" Chen greeted them.

Li Li looked up from where she had been glowering into her bowl. "Uncle, what you up to?"

"Since you're making a hobby of feeding your friends, I thought I would join in, and see what all the fuss is about."

"I hope you like-," Li Li named something in Pandaren, and Chen flicked her in the head.

"Argh! I don't know what the Common word for it is!"

"It is 'porridge,'" he informed her, "but that is not what they are having."

"Huh?"

Anduin was pleased to find his place at the table set with both chopsticks and a fork. Wrathion's was also, but the blonde doubted he noticed as the dragon practically fell into his chair.

Wrathion abruptly sat up. "Something smells sweet…"

Tong approached, bearing several plates of buns.

"No way!" Li Li's jaw dropped. "You got-"

"-all your favorite foods," Chen confirmed, "for your friends to try. You, young lady, are still grounded. Eat your porridge."

"Not fair!" Li Li whined. "They really don't like the foreigner treatment! I was just helping them along!"

"It's true. We learned a lot from her. For instance, this guy," Anduin motioned at Wrathion, who was already stuffing a bun in his mouth, "was so bad at using chopsticks that he just turned into a dragon to eat."

Wrathion needed a minute to swallow his oversized mouthful before retorting, "The deal was no forks, and I didn't use one. I wasn't about to tie the ends of my chopsticks together like you."

"Anyway," Anduin continued cheerily, giving no indication that he'd heard, "we're a lot better now."

To demonstrate, he used his chopsticks to grasp a crispy brown bun. He lifted his chopsticks up. The bun fell down. He furrowed his brows, and tried again. He managed to lift it up a short way, but the weight of the filling sent it plummeting back onto the plate.

"Maybe you should try one of the steamed ones instead," Chen hinted.

It was quite an assortment—there were fried, steamed and baked, smaller ones, larger ones. Of course the first one Anduin went for was one of the most difficult to pick up. Li Li almost laughed until she remembered that she was restricted to porridge for the day.

The blonde aimed for a soft, white bun, and was met with success. He triumphantly tore off a bite.

It was chicken.

"Wrathion, I thought you said these were sweet!" He waved his half-eaten bun in the dragon's face.

"How do I put this? Some of them are sweet, some of them are meat, and some of them are both?" He'd already sampled a few, judging by the wrappers littering Wrathion's plate.

"You had a whole bunch," Anduin observed. "How can you tell the difference?"

"The cookie ones are a safe bet."

There were three plates with yellow cookie-topped buns, nearly identical. Anduin plucked up one and bit into it.

It was chicken.

"Wrathion!"

"It's not my fault they all look like cupcakes!"

"Argh, here!"

A cookie bun in a foil cup was dropped unceremoniously in front of him.

"Careful when you bite into that, it'll leak," Li Li warned. "You'll also like this one," she added a white bun with a red stamp on top to his plate, "and this one," a purple ball, "but you're going to want a lot of tea with those," she finished.

Anduin released Wrathion collar and took a seat. "Thanks, Li Li."

"Why does he get special treatment?" Wrathion whined.

"Because you're eating everything anyway."

"That's true," he admitted, attempting to snap up the fried brown ball Anduin had tried before. It kept slipping. With a snarl, he finally brought both his chopsticks together and stabbed through the offending food item. "Gotcha."

Anduin scoffed. "That doesn't count."

"That totally counts," Li Li declared. "Small children do it all the time."

Wrathion and Anduin shared a look, uncertain how to feel about that.

"You three seem to be getting along," Chen spoke up, "so I must accept that your troubles were not entirely my niece's doing. Li Li, you are no longer grounded."

"Yessss!" Li Li pumped her fist in the air and swooped in for a baked bun.

"First-!" Chen rapped Li Li's knuckles with his chopsticks mid-swoop, and she withdrew a yelp. "You must finish your porridge."

"Awww, but it's too big!" Li Li exclaimed. "I won't have room for anything else. Unless…" she looked hopefully at the princes, "you guys help me. What do you say? Want to try some old-school Pandaren comfort food? Can they, Uncle Chen?"

It didn't look like very much if it was divided into three, and Anduin had been trying to stick his neck out for the girl all morning. He'd been laid out on worse chopping blocks.

"We'll do it. Right, Wrathion?"

"Of course. I'm always open to new experiences," the dragon agreed.

Anduin resisted the urge to facepalm.

"We have porridge in the Eastern Kingdoms, too," Anduin said. "It's not-"

"What is this?" Wrathion held his spoonful aloft. It contained something translucent and black.

"Thousand-year egg," Li Li stated.

Anduin's eyes widened. "Thousand-year OLD egg?"

"It's good. Salty."

* * *

Li Li hugged Anduin. "I expect you to get into lots of trouble without me."

"Oh, we will," Wrathion confirmed. "Your uncle and I discussed it with Tong, and he's going to serve us something new every day. Call it a 'Pandaren Challenge Menu,' if you will."

"Good luck with that. I wish I could stay, but the land calls to my wanderer's spirit," Li Li dramatically put one paw over her heart.

"Li Li!"

"Or my uncle calls. This is for you guys." She presented them with a bag. "It's my traveling snack, but Binan Village is close, so I don't need it. It's-," she named it in Pandaren. "There's no word for it in your language, but it's great with bread. Good-bye!"

"I wish you safe travels, Li Li Stormstout."

"Farewell."

She gave them each another hug, and sprinted up the path.

Anduin watched her until she caught up with Chen. "What a nice kid."

"Yes." Wrathion crossed his arms. "Who knows how long we would have been treated like fools without her unforgiving bluntness."

"You know that's not what Tong meant by it. What…is this?"

Anduin held the bag out to Wrathion.

"It looks like wool."

"She said it was a snack. You don't think…?"

Wrathion took a whiff. "I think it's a fruit-flavored meat."

"Huh. Weird."

"She certainly is adamant about this sort of business. Imagine how she would have reacted if I told her that on the first day you arrived here, you asked for milk and sugar with your tea?"

"Yes, thank you for sparing me that humiliation. Want to go put some of those Jihui strategies Li Li taught us to good use?"

"I will use them to finally beat you at this game."

"That attitude is precisely why we never win."

They continued their bickering up the stairs of the tavern.

Some ways away…

"Li Li."

"Yes, Uncle?"

"Your one-tone friends were very amusing. If they are still around when we pass this way again, we should drink tea together."

"I love the way you think."

* * *

A/N: This story was pure self-indulgence. When Pandaria opened, I was horrified by how many players on World of Warcraft (including my guildies) knew zilch about Chinese culture (they didn't even know what To Honor One's Elders was for, much less why the August Celestials were the animals they were). When I took my guildies out for Chinese food, they freaked out. I realized that Pandaren food wasn't based on Chinese food, but what Americans thought of as Chinese food. This story is born of that experience.

If you go to the turtle festival on the beach when Lorewalker Cho is singing in Pandaren, the Pandaren language is not Chinese, but something similar-sounding. That's why I didn't use any Romanized Chinese words.

I am American-born Chinese, and there are a lot of Chinese foods that I don't know the English words for.


End file.
